I spend a lot of time in a dreamworld. I always have. My imagination is very vivid and strong and it is a gift and can be a wonderful tool. Sometimes I believe that my imagination is open enough and wide enough to accept and thus receive more of what is. Maybe it is sometimes that way. But any tool can be used to expand or to contract. Any tool can be used in love or in fear.

I cling to my story lines often out of a sense of insecurity. I want the world to be predictable. I want to feel some sense of control. So when I am scared, those things that console me go around and around in my head. I comfort myself that way. But I also limit myself that way. I ask God, “Why can’t I feel your love?” I guess I need to let go of the surrogate love first. Let go of this pretend world.

This is a repeat of what I have said over and over again. But this is who I am. This is Suzie. My struggle may seem so simple and predictable to the people around me, but from within it feels impassable. Impenetrable. Patience, little girl. Let yourself melt into the smile.

Life is good.

I guess the best things come when you’re not trying too hard. I hope that that will be the case this Saturday when I have to play for a wedding with practically no preparation. Wing it. Wing it with a smile. Well, I’ve got good folks to smile with me as I do less than my perfect ideal.