I don’t know about all of you, but I have a really hard time being compassionate with myself. Somehow that stands in the way of me putting myself full force into the work that I need to do.

And I do think that that is key. What good is any work that any of us do that comes from a place of fear or lack?

I have a bunch of projects on my plate that are just wonderful. And I am working with each incrementally. But developing confidence is difficult for me. I hold myself back.

I have said before that connections with people are important to me. I am working on the assumption that it may be important to others also. I hope to find other people who will come out and work on community projects. With the changes coming on, I believe that it will become very clear how much we need each other. Two things that I am just beginning to work on are

1. A community center of some sort to fill whatever needs seem apparent, maybe a community garden, a simple gathering place where people can come together in my community and just talk. A place for the kids to hang out, who knows? I hope to get some folks together to talk about what is needed.

2. A community dialogue approaching the problem of local economy and how to shore up the ground up economy instead of it being so very dependent on top-down structures.

Am I getting myself in over my head? Maybe. But I guess I don’t have to do anything perfectly. Just trying and then continuing to try is key. These ideas were easy to come up with. Contacting a few people and getting a couple of wheels turning was easy. But how about the slogging work? This is where I will need to have courage and find compassion for myself. But I’ve got to try and then I’ve got to continue to try.

You know, I thought that each moment I was creating my own reality. But I am not God. Maybe relaxing and allowing creation in all of its perfection from moment to moment would be more fun.

If I stop identifying myself as the creator, it is so freeing. I can give up the guilt and the responsibility. I don’t have to think about it any more. Then I can just be. Be what? Be a little baby just taking her first steps.

How do I support myself and my family? Maybe I need to begin by offering whatever I have to the people around me. Maybe it is just a matter of deciding to do what I want to do. The details will, perhaps, take care of themselves if I really want to do something.

I want to claim your love. I want to secure your love and call it my own. I want to take it and hide it in a safe place so that I can open it up whenever I feel lonely and afraid.

But I can’t seem to capture it. The darkness falls in on me and I am alone and crying again. I give up and realize that I am only an infant. It is OK. God is picking me up and holding me. I guess over time I will understand.

I just said in my last post, “what I experience in my world has everything to do with what I do in my life, what I choose to believe, and whether I own up to the choices that I make.”  It rings true to me for myself.  But how can I say that of people who are really struggling for their lives?  Are they owning up to their own choices?

I guess it is just that casting another stone just doesn’t help.  It only continues the cycle of violence.  Can we create the change we need through love?

I have been in a dream for months now. I have been allowing myself to believe that if I dream hard enough I will create a vision so strong that I will be able to will it into being. But you can’t use a dream to cover up reality.

I have used so much of my energy trying to escape this messed up reality that I have in front of me that I could have used approaching it. OK. But here I am. I am now basically a single Mom. I need to find a means of support for myself and my two kids in what feels to me now like an unforgiving world. There are all kinds of things about my present reality that I don’t want to look at. I have some growing up to do. I guess that’s what the world does. It offers you opportunities to grow.

The longer I let this go, the more opportunities I may lose. It is time to put my feet on the ground and my nose to the grindstone. But it really ain’t so bad. As I have mentioned before, I am warm, I have enough to eat, I have friends, and I do have a few ways of making a living, even though I am not going to get rich doing them.

And in the mean time, I won’t give up on my dreams. I’ll just use them to help me create a plan for where I want to go.

Now let’s see how I feel as I let the blood actually flow through my veins in the pursuit of hard work!

I have been spending the last few days reading. I have been reading a book by Ervin Laszlo called The Chaos Point and I have been exploring blogs associated with Sophia’s blog, “Visions of the World“. I realize as I read and think about it that what I have to say in most of my entries has so much simply to do with immediate reactions. I really don’t trust my own intellect at this point. I don’t bother to engage it much. I am scared to take responsibility. I am a bit lazy.

It’s easy for me to conclude that it doesn’t matter whether I am engaging my intellect or not, after all, it is limited in its application. But everything is limited, isn’t it? At least everything that we each do as individuals. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t use our full potential.

I guess I am going back and forth here. Forgive me, everyone. So what is it, Suzie? Are you going to sit and disappear into the emptiness or are you going to get on with life? Maybe both.

I have been concentrating for many days now on this blog. I enjoy it very much. I like the reflection that I think I see here of myself and my interactions with the world. But it is limited. It may be limited in its effect by the fact that it is words digitally transmitted. Granted, it has some effect, but certainly there is more to life.

It’s just that I find myself becoming lost in this world of the internet. It has great potential as a medium. And I think that the effect is generally quite positive. But, again, here I sit in my chair at the screen typing. Some of this is procrastination. I find this easier somehow than more material obligations that I have. Some of what I am doing here has real substantive positive intent. This process of blogging has, I guess, many of the benefits of journaling and may also benefit others as well, at least that is my hope.

But face-to-face interactions with other people are more powerful. You can read something on the internet and it only goes through you so far. But you meet a person and that can envelop you. At least this is my experience. I love this blog, and I will continue it, but I am convincing myself that the work in my community, through friendship and through livelihood, must be more basic to me.

As I already indicated, some of my attention to this medium is pure and real, some of it is avoidance of that which is difficult to me. It seems to follow the same pattern as many other things in my life. It may have to do with the integration of the abstract with the organic in my life. As I said before, I need to bring the love and attention to my lower chakras. To earth, home, money, emotion, whatever else is involved. But integration suggests the bringing together of disparate parts. I am not giving up on this blog, but maybe this will reflect a shift in my thinking further down from ethereal and abstract to the material.

Perhaps my readers will learn as I learn. This is a process that I don’t understand. I guess I will not try to understand it, but I will try to convey it as accurately and honestly as I can in the hopes that it will propel the process for myself and others.

I have been licking my wounds for a while now. I was in a very difficult situation. I am still extracting myself from it but at least today, I find that I am seeing past my own pain and thinking about what is next. Mairead Corrigan Mcguire’s speech has inspired me.

I am now in a unique position to make all kinds of decisions. My life is, for now, fairly flexible. I want to figure out how I can direct my energies towards making a positive contribution to the world around me and in the process, support myself and my kids. I am sure there is a way.

There is an organization in the Lehigh Valley called the Alliance for Sustainable Communities. They provide a great network for individuals and organizations in the area who are working towards sustainability. There are folks who focus on the environment, on peace, on sustainable farming, education, alternative energy sources. The list goes on. I haven’t gone to one of their meetings in a long time. I am going to try to make the next steering committee meeting.

I know that there are a lot of other people who are thinking along this line. It’s just hard, somehow, to take the first step. It’s time to go from thought into action.

If you have time, listen to what this wonderful lady has to say about hope in our time.