I can play the guitar again! Not perfectly, but I can play enough to practice some and to perform! All I had to do is wear a hand brace while I play. This supports my hand enough that it can stand the extra stress. Horray!

While I’m at it, why not finally share some of my music with you all? My brother Billy recorded me in the interests of helping me share my music with people who could play guitar for me because of my injury. Since I don’t know how to write music down or read music, I can’t share it in that way. Anyway, here are a few songs. Clink on the links and download, if you want to.

Bursting

Groove

New Way

It can be really interesting how events fall into place sometimes. Here I have the opportunity to play a little gig in a big music festival and I can’t play the guitar. So I have to find people to help me. Again. You would think I would be good at accepting people’s help by now. I guess in some ways I am. But this is more complicated somehow.

I had no idea how much a part of me my practicing has been. How do I practice my musical processes without the guitar? OK. Well, I ask people to back me up. I seem to have a few people willing to help. I am really grateful for this. But people are busy in their schedules and I am still so hesitant: I ask for help tentatively. . . my voice isn’t very loud. So good people offer help, but they don’t understand my need. . . maybe I should talk louder. Maybe I am not clear. Maybe my expectations are too high.

You see, for so long I practiced for two or three hours a day. Not because I want to produce some outwardly pleasing product. Well, not mostly. Because I almost have to to remain clear. Like something has to come out. But now, I am hoping that other people can become my tools through which I can do the same thing. This is totally unrealistic.

I have to become clear in my own expectations and express myself in understandable language what I need. What a challenge for me. Life does that, doesn’t it?

I only have about six weeks left before I am supposed to perform, and I still don’t have much to show. I’ve got to get it together. I will keep trying to figure out how to communicate with those people who may be able to help me perform, but since it seems tough to touch base, I’d better learn a new way to play the guitar without using my left hand much. Like maybe slide with open chords?? I may just try that. But in the mean time, another call. . . maybe this time a practice session will work out.

Technorati Tags: guitar, Music, Spirit

I had to edit and update this post. Here is what I originally said: “I am so excited that Van Jones is now in a position to help to implement some of his green economic policies. He was appointed “Special Advisor for Green Jobs” by Barak Obama on March 16th. Phaedra Ellis-Lamkins is taking over Van Jones’ position leading Green For All. Here they both are talking about the direction of that organization, and now,the direction of our country.”

The video that I embedded became outdated, however. Also, as of September 5, 2009, Van Jones resigned his position in the administration after heavy attacks from the right wing. I am very disappointed. Here is a video of his at the Powershift 2009 conference in Washington DC speaking to young people about hope and change:

Technorati Tags: , answers, change, economy, hope, Spirit

I learned from my dear friend Kim today that I may have to forgo my guitar playing for a long while. The joint where my left thumb joins my hand needs lots of time off. I spent a few years playing hard, getting out all of the old feelings and bringing in the new. Now for six months I have avoided the guitar. But my thumb needs a lot more time to heal. I still have more to express. It has gotten to where I love the groove that I find myself in when I am playing, especially when I am performing and it is working well.

I guess I can find that groove without my guitar. Adapt. Go with the flow. Step with the dance.

Technorati Tags: adapt, dance, flow, guitar

What is this shame? What is this shame that I feel in my inadequacy in approaching my own finances? What is that sense of inadequacy made of? It used to be so clear cut. Just numbers that add up to another number at the bottom of a page. Money coming in, money going out.

I’ve been proud of how frugal I can be. I’ve been proud of how I have succeeded in making do in difficult times. My kids and I got through it when the business was doing poorly and . . .here comes the resentment. . . the resentment about how the money was spent so lavishly by some members of the family when I could barely buy clothes for the kids or food for all of us. . . I was the good wife. I have always been the good wife, the good daughter, the good friend. . . now I am just being an asshole in perpetuating my own neuroses. . . I have no one to blame anymore.

Why can’t I just look at those bills, make simple categories; OK, so what if you can’t pay them all. Then you find a solution. But this has been going on for so long. . . and I will have to claim my own part of the responsibility. Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse. . . your faultedness is OK. . but you have to look at it. Why is there shame in being poor? I guess it’s not shame in being poor, but for a long time, there has been pride in having the ability to make it against the odds. Now that it is all up to me, I am scared that I might not be able to do it. I am so scared that I don’t approach the implicit problems, the little decisions. . . why do they feel so huge? Why does each bill feel like such a judgment?

Dig in. . . dig in. . . as I dig into my bills I am digging into my own sense of lack. I am pulling at that tight ball that I have in my left kidney. . . I can feel the poison of the old lactic acid or whatever it is your muscles store when they have been tight for too long. . . old old brackish energy that has been holding back the tide of support, emotional or financial. . . don’t take care of me, my Lord, I am not worth it. I have been given more than my share for too long. I am just me. Why do I deserve this bounty? What about those people over there who can’t eat? Why do I deserve to live? Why do I deserve to be loved?

Gets complicated. It’s just a stack of bills, Suzie.

But this stack of bills says everything about what I have decided about my life. I am worth a person who lives in a house, buys electricity, buys oil, buys food, buys clothing, buys the extras like books and computers and internet access. Why am I worth all of that? Why am I worth the education that I was given? Why am I worth the family that I was given? How do I fit into those rows and columns of this little spreadsheet? What numbers apply to me?

I feel shorn by the categories. . . limited. . . the same way I feel limited by words, labels. . . but Suzie, this is just a part of the same lines and definitions of what is now in this life. It is just a game. Just a dance. Let it go. Open up that bill and compare the numbers. You don’t have to be limited by it. But you can’t hold onto it. Take it as a part of the flow, a part of the succession of moments that make up the flow. . . the dance. . . the rhythm of the song. . .

Here it goes. . . wish me luck, friends.

Technorati Tags: abundance, love, money, support

So what do I do? Stay present – be present – exist. Live. Allow. Allow. Allow. It’s OK, I must reassure myself. I must be gentle and compassionate with myself. Allow myself to blossom. Allow that intellect that does exist within me if I just allow it.

I remember the flow from so long ago. The confidence. It’s funny – I feel the block as I begin to focus – it feels like a physical/energetic block that stretches between my left temple and my intestine or maybe my pancreas on my left side. Some of my intellectual recovery will involve physical recovery. I know the direction I need to go to allow more flow. . . more and more. A trickle, then a stream, then a torrent. In some areas of my being I believe I have allowed the flow. I feel healthy. In other areas I have barely begun to allow. But it is OK. It can’t be about self denigration, about blame. It must be gentleness, compassion, love. Suzie, it is OK. Be faulted. Be exactly who you are. And then feel the warmth and support around you as you are. Allow that warmth and support. Allow it. Let it cradle you. Let yourself melt into your own tears. Release. Let it go. Let it go. Grieve. Grieve. You know it is OK. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to explain. Let the world hold you now. Take the time you need. Have faith in Life. Allow. Allow. Allow.

You see how it is coming. You see it. You are allowing it. It is not perfect. You are not perfect – yet maybe it and you are perfect because it is. Is. Allow. Allow. Allow. Help me to let go. Let go . Let go. Let go. Let go. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow – my thoughts quiet a little. Allow – calmer and calmer. Allow – I can hear the fan of the pellet stove and the sound pattern of the flame. Allow – I hear my own breath. Allow – I see the light outside – a morning light muted by the clouds and the snow coming down. It’s coming down. It is morning. It is snowing. I am inside writing and listening to the pellet stove which is trying to warm the room. I look up and see the pictures of my kids and my friends on the wall. I am so lucky. So blessed. It is almost Christmas. I am late in my preparations, as usual. But it is OK. It is good. It is not about lots of presents anyway.

Today is my day to write – to begin to unwind that which needs to come out – is it me – is it a blockage – is it something more? What does that mean, anyway? Let it go. Don’t delineate. Don’t define. Allow. Allow. Allow. Organize it later. Let it tumble. Let it emerge how it will. You don’t have to control it.

Love. I am so very blessed. I am afraid of it. I don’t know what I mean by it. Surrender. Complete surrender. It brings out my fear of hierarchy and abuse – resentment – fear of being hurt and hurting. Fear. Fear. But this is anything but fear. It is a giving. A giving of self. Surrender that does not diminish, but magnifies and multiplies. The energy is more, not less. We become one and yet we are each ourselves even more deeply than before. Reaching down down down to our roots until we find our common ground. Reaching up up up and opening our senses – all of our openings, physical and non physical – opening all orifices, all pores, all abilities, all senses. Opening to allow it all to enter and then, twirl us around into the next swirl – the next pattern, the next commutation, the next structure, and we cannot control and yet we are it. How is it that we are available for the new pattern that the river requires? Yet be in contact with the earth. . . are we connected to the Earth? Are we connected to each other? What does “each other” mean? How is this vision connected to me sitting here in front of the pellet stove watching the snow outside? Can I do both? Can I open open open open open open until I no longer exist? I am the movement. . . I am the river . . . and I continue my day as I sprinkle salt on the sidewalk in front of my house and wonder about all of the yard work that has yet to be done around the house. What is the relevance of this bill I have in front of me? If I don’t write that check for the electric company, maybe eventually they still will turn off my electricity even though the flow – the flow – allowing – allowing – the silence – the silence – the incredible lightness – it is all perfect. Even my electric bill is perfect. It seems that there is a connection between not paying my bill and the electricity being turned off. That is what I have learned. You hit a billiard ball with your stick and that ball causes another to move. Cause and effect. It sure seems to work. Causal mechanisms sure seem to exist. You do this, and that happens. You step out over the side of the cliff and you fall. I would like to fly. But maybe I am not ready to fly yet. My intellect tells me that I will fall. But what about Faith? If you have Faith you will Fly.

This seems like the material of delusion. But when you have a new experience, beyond the usual, how do you bring it into your old way of thinking? How do you integrate it into your world view? It comes to a point where you just can’t anymore. It is no longer a case of integrating new information into what you think of as reality. Your ideas about reality have to change. But during that period when your world view is changing there is a sense of the world falling apart. The world is falling apart. There is nothing to hold onto. Nothing is solid anymore. Then you begin to reconstruct. But it has to begin with silence. Silence. Silence. Then the world starts to come in again. The fire is still flickering/roaring. The snow is still falling. Dakota stands up and shakes, hoping that I may finish with what I am doing so we can go outside and walk together in the falling snow. The world still exists even though my standpoint has fallen apart on some levels.

It sounds like illness – this falling apart. But it is actually a supremely healthy response to a necessity for a change of direction. I hope that this same thing is happening to all of us on some level. The beginnings of a necessary shift that will save us if we let it. Allow. Allow. Allow.

Technorati Tags: abuse, compassion, Emergence, fluidity, giving, hope, renewal, Spirit, Vision

Here is an interview with Michael Franti. What an inspiring human being he is!

Technorati Tags: art, hope, Michael Franti, Music, Spirit

This whole deal of “allowing” seems passive. There is an awfully lot of work that needs done in the world. What is this allowing thing, anyway? It’s true, I do get caught in reflective cycles which seem to keep coming back on themselves not going anywhere. But I have also spent a lot of energy on physically active pursuits which have seemingly dead ended with little positive result. Somehow I want to be in touch with a bigger picture so that the things that I choose to do result in helping me to get where I want to go. Like looking at the map before I begin my travels.

It ’s so easy to feel lost. The world can feel so big and lonely. So here I am. What do I want to do? I want to be helpful. How do I begin to be helpful? Well, this room could use picking up. My office is a mess. My business is not really going in the direction I want it to. I have not fully taken responsibility for it. I still consider it a cast off and I associate it with things that I don’t want to think about. But here it is. And it has been a great gift to me. This business has been used as an instrument for healing. Maybe if I look at it in a new way and put some positive energy into it, it may flourish.

I can’t go into it much here because it’s a part of my personal life that I don’t feel comfortable revealing here. Maybe someday I will. But in the meantime, maybe the specifics don’t matter much in this context. I bet most of us have something in our life that we cast aside as not worth going into. Sometimes those are the areas that really should be delved into.

So I begin with my office. Maybe the beginning of my creating a “save the world” campaign should begin with me picking up the mail off of my office floor. Maybe I should spend the day with my kids when I am done. Maybe I should go and visit my neighbors who had a recent tragedy. This is the material of my day. And it is the beginnings of my map.

And it doesn’t have to feel aimless. It is a part of the big picture of all of us, each of us going about our day, doing whatever our business is, doing the best we each can with our own lives, our own families, our own business. And we do interconnect. And we do affect each other. And if we have hope, those interconnections can feel positive. We can feel lifted when we go to the grocery store and smile at the person in front of us in line, or wave to the person who let us into traffic as we head home.

So what does this all have to do with global warming, potential war, terrorism, all of the frightening things going on in the world? What does this have to do with the financial crisis? Everything. We make up the material of our society. It may feel like there is no connection, but it is all just a matter of scale. Imagine the difference it would make if a significant percentage of all of us simply began to spend less time watching the television and instead visit neighbors with our kids, or just take a walk around our neighborhood to become aware of the people who live near us. I think that those first steps are the most important and form the base for the beginnings of empathy and understanding. War is just a lack of understanding on a larger scale. Terrorism is a desperate grab for power used by those who feel marginalized. Economics begin with our interrelationships and systems of helping each other through our lives.

I know this is simplistic. I know that when you get into the details of actually doing, it is not as easy as it sounds. But I think that many of us feel so disempowered by the scale of what needs to be done, that we do not even begin. Somehow we need to work together. Somehow we need to begin to change that which needs to change and we each need to begin with our own house, our own neighborhood, our own office.

So I pull the mail into a stack on my floor and pick up the top letter and open it. And the next, and the next. Tomorrow, I’ll do a few more. Maybe my friends will come over and help me. I bet they would have some great ideas. Maybe they need help with their stack. I would certainly be willing to help.

Technorati Tags: answers, economy, kids, mail, work

People are already solving carbon footprint problems, community problems and economy problems through grassroots organizations and businesses. Check it out! I got these videos from Green For All.

“Omar Freilla and members of the Green Worker Cooperatives talk about their work to saturate the South Bronx, with worker-owned green businesses.”

” Orrin Williams and the folks at Growing Home demonstrate how urban agriculture is reconnecting people to their communities and the earth, and revitalizing Chicago.”

” Aundre Collins talks about his work with Solar Richmond, and how it has shaped his life.”

Technorati Tags: economy, hope, renewal, survival, Vision

Here is a great vision.

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Here is an excerpt from the web site for this organization explaining what the number 350 is all about.

“Where did this 350 number come from?

Dr. James Hansen, of NASA, the United States’ space agency, has been researching global warming longer than just about anyone else. He was the first to publicly testify before the U.S. Congress, in June of 1988, that global warming was real. He and his colleagues have used both real-world observation, computer simulation, and mountains of data about ancient climates to calculate what constitutes dangerous quantities of carbon in the atmosphere. The Bush Administration has tried to keep Hansen and his team from speaking publicly, but their analysis has been widely praised by other scientists, and by experts like Nobel Prize winner Al Gore. The full text of James Hansen’s paper about 350 can be found here.”

Check the main site out also: 350.org.

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Technorati Tags: answers, hope, survival, Vision