I have been licking my wounds for a while now. I was in a very difficult situation. I am still extracting myself from it but at least today, I find that I am seeing past my own pain and thinking about what is next. Mairead Corrigan Mcguire’s speech has inspired me.

I am now in a unique position to make all kinds of decisions. My life is, for now, fairly flexible. I want to figure out how I can direct my energies towards making a positive contribution to the world around me and in the process, support myself and my kids. I am sure there is a way.

There is an organization in the Lehigh Valley called the Alliance for Sustainable Communities. They provide a great network for individuals and organizations in the area who are working towards sustainability. There are folks who focus on the environment, on peace, on sustainable farming, education, alternative energy sources. The list goes on. I haven’t gone to one of their meetings in a long time. I am going to try to make the next steering committee meeting.

I know that there are a lot of other people who are thinking along this line. It’s just hard, somehow, to take the first step. It’s time to go from thought into action.

If you have time, listen to what this wonderful lady has to say about hope in our time.

My dear friend often uses humor with me when I am depressed. I was talking to him yesterday about the bracelet that I was given to help me become aware when I am complaining to myself. As I said in an earlier comment, I was told that perhaps if I switch the bracelet from one wrist to another every time I complain to myself, I will become more aware of how much I complain.

On the one hand, I did find it somewhat useful to become aware of this part of my thought process. I guess it’s always a good thing to be aware. On the other hand, I have a tendency to be very hard on myself as it is.

My friend was joking with me: “Oh, I was just stabbed in the back! Oh oh, I’m complaining! I’d better switch the bracelet! Oh, I was deficient in my awareness and I got in front of that bullet! Well, better switch the bracelet again! My goodness! I am such a complainer!” He had me in stitches. It felt so good.

I would like to quickly change perspective. It is easy to get caught in anger and judgment. It is easy for me to judge those who I perceive to be judging. It is more helpful for me to turn it around again to a sense of gratefulness.

I really am blessed. I have enough to eat, I am warm, I have two wonderful kids, I live in a community where I have friends who I love and who love me. I have a sense of purpose now which is still developing.

I do, occasionally, fall and need to be helped up again. I am human. I ask for help. Maybe admitting this vulnerability and asking for help is a gift: the gift of the opportunity for someone else to give and be helpful.

We really need each other. I think that we are just pretending when we say to ourselves that we are independent.

I have heard that it is possible to accept this interconnectedness, vulnerability and insecurity so deeply that a basic sense of love and wholeness emerges.

I quote here a series of sentences that a friend offered to me which helps me when I repeat it like a mantra:

Could I can let go of wanting to figure things out?
Could I let go of wanting to know what to do?
Could I let go of wanting to know the answers?
Could I let go of wanting to know  anything (for this moment) right now?
Could I let go of wanting to think?
And again and again.

There is something that I need to remember. I need to remember that when a person responds with judgment and not compassion, that says something about that person who is judging. I am quick to believe other people’s assessment of my situation before I allow myself the time that I need to make my own assessment. True, I am looking for help. Sometimes I am really grasping.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a free fall. I have heard that if you can relax and allow that free fall that fall can turn into flight. Please Lord help me to let go.

This is a really difficult post for me to write. I am dedicating it to my two kids,  Missy and Bridger, and my two friends BJ and CeeCee.

Many of us have suffered abuse in this life. Many of us have been victims in one way or another. I was lucky as a child never to be exposed to that sort of thing. I grew up believing that the world is a loving and predictable place. I still believe that it is important to focus on love and truth. My problem has been in recognizing and accepting that there are some things that you need to turn away from. It is not possible to heal or help another human if they don’t want to be healed or helped.

Sometimes decisive action is necessary to protect the innocent from harm. Sometimes it is necessary to do what has to be done to get out of the way of fear and anger. In my attempt at being devoted and helpful, I allowed much harm. I am ashamed of how blind I have been. All I can do now is move forward.

I think each one of us tries our best to contribute to this life. I am trying my best in my own way. But it can be frustrating when it seems like so much has to be done to avoid the fall that we all seem to be coming to.

Joe DeRaymond and many others commit their lives to trying to change the systems which are causing so much strife, bloodshed and death. He and many others pay a high price for their efforts. Here is a link to his article in Counterpunch about some of what is going on: Joe’s article. Joe also publishes a local online independent newspaper, Lehigh Valley Independent Press.

Reading this and knowing people like Joe makes me want to gather my faith and my courage to do even more than I am doing now. Thank you Joe and so many others.

Sometimes the world seems like it has gone crazy. And it is reflected in my own life directly around me and within me. I reached a point a couple of years ago where I felt like I was being sucked down into a well and I didn’t know how to pull myself up to see my own horizon any more.

But then someone gave me a sense of hope which I followed. And gradually I began to remember that I exist. You see, at that point I couldn’t even feel my own existence any more. I was awake and I had a body and I had thoughts, but somehow I was gone. It took someone looking into my eyes and seeing my despair for me to realize some time later my own despair.

Life can be really tough. And I guess it is particularly tough right now. It is scary to watch the world as we know it fall apart. Outside and inside. But since I grabbed the thread of light from my friend, I have been climbing out of my well and I have remembered that I am really still here and now I even have a sense that the world around me exists. Hey people! Hello! How are you!

I began a yoga class a couple of years ago. It taught a very relaxed deep form of yoga called Svaroopa. It allowed me to ease into parts of my body that were holding tension and not allowing energy in. I began a process of release. Thank you, my wonderful teacher and friend Midi.

I have been exploring the disallowed parts of my own inner space through yoga and qigong since then, and have found that breath and energy work can be blended with singing. I have found that singing can in itself be energy work. After all, certain notes are associated with certain chakras. And I do find that if I draw attention to different parts of my body as I sing and allow the singing to flow through those parts of my body, the quality of the singing changes, a feeling emerges and blockages can be cleared.

I am finding through my qigong that energy work can heal others as well as the self. I am hoping that I can use my singing in the same way. And my talking and communicating generally, although I am reluctant often to commit myself to strict rules of thought which sometimes makes understanding me difficult. I think I still have a bit of anger to work though. I will gradually come back down to earth through my healing process though. I really want to get to know you all! And I want to begin to learn from you too!