I spend a lot of time in a dreamworld. I always have. My imagination is very vivid and strong and it is a gift and can be a wonderful tool. Sometimes I believe that my imagination is open enough and wide enough to accept and thus receive more of what is. Maybe it is sometimes that way. But any tool can be used to expand or to contract. Any tool can be used in love or in fear.
I cling to my story lines often out of a sense of insecurity. I want the world to be predictable. I want to feel some sense of control. So when I am scared, those things that console me go around and around in my head. I comfort myself that way. But I also limit myself that way. I ask God, “Why can’t I feel your love?” I guess I need to let go of the surrogate love first. Let go of this pretend world.
This is a repeat of what I have said over and over again. But this is who I am. This is Suzie. My struggle may seem so simple and predictable to the people around me, but from within it feels impassable. Impenetrable. Patience, little girl. Let yourself melt into the smile.
I guess the best things come when you’re not trying too hard. I hope that that will be the case this Saturday when I have to play for a wedding with practically no preparation. Wing it. Wing it with a smile. Well, I’ve got good folks to smile with me as I do less than my perfect ideal.
Upon browsing the site I came upon another musician who I enjoy very much, Balla Tounkara, but the video disappeared after a year, so this is the best replacement video I could find of him performing in Montreal:
It is great to feel real people playing real music.
It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I do want to check in. I guess I have been waiting for something that I could put together into some cohesive whole. Thing is, those cohesive wholes are eluding me the more I dive into life and cross check my own theories about things, my own pre-suppositions, assumptions. The more I take a chance and really start to open up to the people and places around me the more I find I really don’t know so much about anything. I thought I was getting a handle on all of this.
My friends tell me that once you begin to really be honest with yourself, (actually that part is my own words), the more you realize that you don’t really have a clue, but that’s OK. I feel like I have to know and understand. Otherwise it will all fall apart on me. But I guess the world doesn’t depend upon me for its cohesiveness. Maybe I need to let it go and learn to dance. Learn to fly. Learn to float. Something.
Thanks for reading. Hope to see you all on the physical plane.
I am a reflection of our collective insanity. Or maybe our collective insanity is a reflection of what is inside of me and a lot of other people. My whole life I have wanted to purify myself. Get rid of the “bad” parts. Be perfect. I have been striving for perfection. I have been rejecting myself as I am.
I have been using all of my practices to poke at myself. I have been punishing myself with “spirituality”. I have used my breath to beam into those darkened places in myself not with love, but with an intent to rid myself of that which I don’t accept. No wonder a lot of what I have been expressing in my music has been anguished. I have been doing it to myself.
OK. Again, I begin at the beginning. But maybe I can learn that that is a wonderful place to be. Maybe I can learn that that is all I will ever have. Maybe I will learn that that is actually everything.
I still have something to say that I haven’t said yet. I think I have been avoiding the issue. I think I really do need to find words. There is a lot that comes out in raw emotion through tone and all of the dynamics of sound, but the fact is, my throat chakra continues to be blocked on the left side. I have been working at this now for years. The blockage comes down from the back of my left ear down into my jaw and my neck and shoulder. I think it is something I have to say as a female.
I feel the need to apologize for being so plain in expressing that which may seem strange. This has been the case for me since I can remember. But I am who I am. I think I need to begin to accept that and be who I am without apology. Maybe that is part of what has kept me from speaking. Or writing lyrics. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I want people to accept me. But I need to be honest about who I am.
I finally sat down and began to use a method that my dear friend suggested to help me find words in a non-linear, non-reductionist??? way. An expansive way. A way that plops me right down into the ocean and lets the waves throw the words to me. We’ll see. I’ll let you all know.
I am still thinking about giving and taking and how that relates to economy. I am still thinking about how what I do relates to money. Here is Wayne Muller on “Enough is Enough”:
I don’t know about all of you, but I have a really hard time being compassionate with myself. Somehow that stands in the way of me putting myself full force into the work that I need to do.
And I do think that that is key. What good is any work that any of us do that comes from a place of fear or lack?
I have a bunch of projects on my plate that are just wonderful. And I am working with each incrementally. But developing confidence is difficult for me. I hold myself back.
I have said before that connections with people are important to me. I am working on the assumption that it may be important to others also. I hope to find other people who will come out and work on community projects. With the changes coming on, I believe that it will become very clear how much we need each other. Two things that I am just beginning to work on are
1. A community center of some sort to fill whatever needs seem apparent, maybe a community garden, a simple gathering place where people can come together in my community and just talk. A place for the kids to hang out, who knows? I hope to get some folks together to talk about what is needed.
2. A community dialogue approaching the problem of local economy and how to shore up the ground up economy instead of it being so very dependent on top-down structures.
Am I getting myself in over my head? Maybe. But I guess I don’t have to do anything perfectly. Just trying and then continuing to try is key. These ideas were easy to come up with. Contacting a few people and getting a couple of wheels turning was easy. But how about the slogging work? This is where I will need to have courage and find compassion for myself. But I’ve got to try and then I’ve got to continue to try.
OK. So I am free. Now what? I want someone to tell me what to do. I am afraid of making a mistake. But that doesn’t help. I have my own senses to rely upon. What is beauty? What is my inclination? How can I do all of this without ideation? This is where I guess I need to go quiet. My mind is limited by my thought processes. But maybe my mind is bigger than my thought processes. Or my thoughts.
Some things feel good. Some things don’t. Are these feelings based on ideation? Not always. If I really get clear, patterns emerge which seem to be more than just my conception. Or maybe not. I do my best. We all do our best. Like following the notes of music that come. But why do they come the way they do? I don’t know. Is it me or is it something beyond me? I don’t have any way of knowing.
