I would like to quickly change perspective. It is easy to get caught in anger and judgment. It is easy for me to judge those who I perceive to be judging. It is more helpful for me to turn it around again to a sense of gratefulness.

I really am blessed. I have enough to eat, I am warm, I have two wonderful kids, I live in a community where I have friends who I love and who love me. I have a sense of purpose now which is still developing.

I do, occasionally, fall and need to be helped up again. I am human. I ask for help. Maybe admitting this vulnerability and asking for help is a gift: the gift of the opportunity for someone else to give and be helpful.

We really need each other. I think that we are just pretending when we say to ourselves that we are independent.

I have heard that it is possible to accept this interconnectedness, vulnerability and insecurity so deeply that a basic sense of love and wholeness emerges.

I quote here a series of sentences that a friend offered to me which helps me when I repeat it like a mantra:

Could I can let go of wanting to figure things out?
Could I let go of wanting to know what to do?
Could I let go of wanting to know the answers?
Could I let go of wanting to know  anything (for this moment) right now?
Could I let go of wanting to think?
And again and again.

Technorati Tags: anger, gratefulness, insecurity, judgment, purpose, vulnerability, wholeness

I have always thought of myself as being a giving and compassionate person. I have seen myself as a person who gives sometimes to her own detriment. I have been giving a voice to that part of myself that has been put aside for so very long. It has generally felt so wonderful that I have felt confident in simply allowing myself to go where I will, believing that it must all be for the good.

But I have continued to be self centered in this pursuit of expression. Yes, I am generally a giving compassionate person, but I am discovering that there are some boundaries between us which are necessary.

Fusing the anger that I am becoming aware of within myself with good intention is very conscious work. My life generally must now become more conscious and less random so that I will not further the anger and fear that has been placed on me over the years. It is necessary for me to be aware of my own limitations and my own potential to do harm.

This morning when I was playing and singing I found that this is already expressing itself in my music. Some of my music has been simply wailing like a wild animal. OK. That pain is real. But now what do you do with it? There is a lot of pain in the world. How do we transform that into positive action and feeling? This is my challenge. Maybe this is what beauty is about for me. I have not wanted to define what beauty is. I have not wanted anything placed upon me which would limit me. But I do have a responsibility for what I create.

Thank you all for supporting me through this difficult time.

Technorati Tags: anger, beauty, conscious, harm, intention, responsiblity