Kom me naar buiten allemaal
Dan zoeken wij de wielewaal
En vinden wij die muziekant
Dan is zomer weer in’t land!

Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo en anders neit.

Oh, it feels like Springtime inside and outside. . . the birds are singing, my heart is expanding out so far I feel like bursting!

Several months ago I was running. I was walking my dog. We had just crossed the bridge and crossed over to the right side of the road towards the pond closest to the road. I was so happy. Dakota and I were running together and I felt so strong and so free and the happiness seemed to be fueling my run into flight. I was proud of my ability to keep up with my running dog. The air streamed back across my face and the rest of me and I felt sure that I could fly. In preparation for take off my body was beginning to lean forward and my legs were not keeping up with my head and shoulders which were leading me. I fell forward with great momentum and as my left hand let go of the leash I jammed my left thumb hard against the ground back towards my wrist.

It hurt, but not that much. I cried out a little and laughed too. I picked up the leash in the other hand and continued on my way around the pond to go and see my friend. My thumb swelled up some. I took care of it for a couple of days and then figured it would take care of itself. I stopped playing the guitar for a little while but then started up again. I could play, as long as I was gentle in my use of the hand. It did not continue to resolve itself. I let my friend who is a masseur at Kim’s Healing Center look at it and pull it back into place. It seemed to be a little out of joint. He did pull it back into place, but a couple of days later after playing guitar some more, it went back out of joint again.

I guess I don’t need to recount all of these details. The fact is, after almost three months, this thumb still has not healed the way I hoped. I have gotten advice and followed it. Part of what I have needed to do is to stop playing the guitar while it heals. I had gone for nearly two months without playing the guitar when two days ago I decided I just had to pick it up and since then I have been paying the price again.

It seems to me that my story is an allegory for me. I find that more and more I can look at my life and see patterns and I interpret meanings from those patterns.

In my wonderful happy run, I got ahead of myself. I leaned far forward with my head and even my heart and my feet left the ground. I thought that I could fly. I thought that if I believed with great intensity, the world would lift me with my vision. But in this case, it wasn’t really vision. It was heart and desire. But my feet apparently still have to stay on the ground if I am to avoid a fall.

I have let you all know a little bit about how a couple of years ago, maybe more at this point, I had held back on myself for so long that it felt like either I was going to let myself sink and die, or I was going to let go and allow. So I let go. I let go to a very large degree. I let go of so many boundaries and definitions that I had felt imprisoning me that it took me a while to catch my bearings. Actually, I think I am still catching my bearings. I love the freedom that I have felt. I love the vibrancy. I love expressing without fear. But I went from being in a curled up ball to curling back into as wide an embrace of reality as I could muster. My spine is not bent forward like an old woman. I have a tendency instead to lean back. I have a tendency to look upward all the time. Even when I meditate, my head tends to bend back and upward. It is like I want to understand the sky.

When I begin my qigong active exercises I remember the cues that Chunyi Lin gives about how to stand. One of the things that he says almost every time in every exercise or meditation is to tuck the chin downward just slightly to keep the whole spine straight. The strongest and most natural state for the spine is to be straight. The spine is the energy channel which is most basic. My spine is still not straight. I have gone from one extreme to the other.

I look up like I want to understand the sky. But it is more powerful, perhaps, to straighten my spine so that I can see what is directly in front of me. It is called having a level head. I guess that phrase has a literal meaning for me.

Dakota, my model in flight:

I finally wrote a song with words about two or three months ago after struggling for a really long time to commit to a particular idea. Here are the lyrics:

As a child I went out to roam and explore
Took on new inspirations, no fear in my soul
I loved to run and to sing and to dance and to give.
Like so many the years have pressed in on my soul
I have narrowed my vision to what I could hold
On the teaspoon of acceptable practical logical form.

I am free now.
I can see now.
It’s the breeze now
From the sea now.
All around me.
Come around me.
Come and hear me.
I have found thee.

Lines and measurements, gridlock to life
I am bursting through boundaries just like a knife
An explosion of pent up will and intention and love.
Please open your eyes and open your ears
I really want to calm your fears
Let the love and the light flow full force from within.

I am free now.
I can see now.
It’s the breeze now
From the sea now.
All around me
Come around me.
Come and hear me.
I have found thee, I have found thee!

Sometimes when I look at myself and what I have been doing about my own pain and need, I see myself as a psychologically challenged person who is acting out how she needs to. There may be some truth to that point of view. But if I look at that same thing from what I believe to be an even wider perspective, I think that my challenge is a shared challenge. I believe that most of us are in pain and are on a quest for finding peace within and without. Maybe if I share my perspective, however faulty and Suzielike it may be, and share it from as deep a place as I can, maybe I will provide hope and courage to someone else to take a chance also.

I find that as I go along this path that I am following I am meeting some incredible people. Now my challenge is to open myself to learning new things. I have something to say and now that I have said it, it is time for me to listen. Please folks, feel free to contribute your thoughts.