Kom me naar buiten allemaal
Dan zoeken wij de wielewaal
En vinden wij die muziekant
Dan is zomer weer in’t land!
Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo en anders neit.
Oh, it feels like Springtime inside and outside. . . the birds are singing, my heart is expanding out so far I feel like bursting!
So what do I do? Stay present – be present – exist. Live. Allow. Allow. Allow. It’s OK, I must reassure myself. I must be gentle and compassionate with myself. Allow myself to blossom. Allow that intellect that does exist within me if I just allow it.
I remember the flow from so long ago. The confidence. It’s funny – I feel the block as I begin to focus – it feels like a physical/energetic block that stretches between my left temple and my intestine or maybe my pancreas on my left side. Some of my intellectual recovery will involve physical recovery. I know the direction I need to go to allow more flow. . . more and more. A trickle, then a stream, then a torrent. In some areas of my being I believe I have allowed the flow. I feel healthy. In other areas I have barely begun to allow. But it is OK. It can’t be about self denigration, about blame. It must be gentleness, compassion, love. Suzie, it is OK. Be faulted. Be exactly who you are. And then feel the warmth and support around you as you are. Allow that warmth and support. Allow it. Let it cradle you. Let yourself melt into your own tears. Release. Let it go. Let it go. Grieve. Grieve. You know it is OK. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to explain. Let the world hold you now. Take the time you need. Have faith in Life. Allow. Allow. Allow.
You see how it is coming. You see it. You are allowing it. It is not perfect. You are not perfect – yet maybe it and you are perfect because it is. Is. Allow. Allow. Allow. Help me to let go. Let go . Let go. Let go. Let go. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow – my thoughts quiet a little. Allow – calmer and calmer. Allow – I can hear the fan of the pellet stove and the sound pattern of the flame. Allow – I hear my own breath. Allow – I see the light outside – a morning light muted by the clouds and the snow coming down. It’s coming down. It is morning. It is snowing. I am inside writing and listening to the pellet stove which is trying to warm the room. I look up and see the pictures of my kids and my friends on the wall. I am so lucky. So blessed. It is almost Christmas. I am late in my preparations, as usual. But it is OK. It is good. It is not about lots of presents anyway.
Today is my day to write – to begin to unwind that which needs to come out – is it me – is it a blockage – is it something more? What does that mean, anyway? Let it go. Don’t delineate. Don’t define. Allow. Allow. Allow. Organize it later. Let it tumble. Let it emerge how it will. You don’t have to control it.
Love. I am so very blessed. I am afraid of it. I don’t know what I mean by it. Surrender. Complete surrender. It brings out my fear of hierarchy and abuse – resentment – fear of being hurt and hurting. Fear. Fear. But this is anything but fear. It is a giving. A giving of self. Surrender that does not diminish, but magnifies and multiplies. The energy is more, not less. We become one and yet we are each ourselves even more deeply than before. Reaching down down down to our roots until we find our common ground. Reaching up up up and opening our senses – all of our openings, physical and non physical – opening all orifices, all pores, all abilities, all senses. Opening to allow it all to enter and then, twirl us around into the next swirl – the next pattern, the next commutation, the next structure, and we cannot control and yet we are it. How is it that we are available for the new pattern that the river requires? Yet be in contact with the earth. . . are we connected to the Earth? Are we connected to each other? What does “each other” mean? How is this vision connected to me sitting here in front of the pellet stove watching the snow outside? Can I do both? Can I open open open open open open until I no longer exist? I am the movement. . . I am the river . . . and I continue my day as I sprinkle salt on the sidewalk in front of my house and wonder about all of the yard work that has yet to be done around the house. What is the relevance of this bill I have in front of me? If I don’t write that check for the electric company, maybe eventually they still will turn off my electricity even though the flow – the flow – allowing – allowing – the silence – the silence – the incredible lightness – it is all perfect. Even my electric bill is perfect. It seems that there is a connection between not paying my bill and the electricity being turned off. That is what I have learned. You hit a billiard ball with your stick and that ball causes another to move. Cause and effect. It sure seems to work. Causal mechanisms sure seem to exist. You do this, and that happens. You step out over the side of the cliff and you fall. I would like to fly. But maybe I am not ready to fly yet. My intellect tells me that I will fall. But what about Faith? If you have Faith you will Fly.
This seems like the material of delusion. But when you have a new experience, beyond the usual, how do you bring it into your old way of thinking? How do you integrate it into your world view? It comes to a point where you just can’t anymore. It is no longer a case of integrating new information into what you think of as reality. Your ideas about reality have to change. But during that period when your world view is changing there is a sense of the world falling apart. The world is falling apart. There is nothing to hold onto. Nothing is solid anymore. Then you begin to reconstruct. But it has to begin with silence. Silence. Silence. Then the world starts to come in again. The fire is still flickering/roaring. The snow is still falling. Dakota stands up and shakes, hoping that I may finish with what I am doing so we can go outside and walk together in the falling snow. The world still exists even though my standpoint has fallen apart on some levels.
It sounds like illness – this falling apart. But it is actually a supremely healthy response to a necessity for a change of direction. I hope that this same thing is happening to all of us on some level. The beginnings of a necessary shift that will save us if we let it. Allow. Allow. Allow.
I spend a lot of time in a dreamworld. I always have. My imagination is very vivid and strong and it is a gift and can be a wonderful tool. Sometimes I believe that my imagination is open enough and wide enough to accept and thus receive more of what is. Maybe it is sometimes that way. But any tool can be used to expand or to contract. Any tool can be used in love or in fear.
I cling to my story lines often out of a sense of insecurity. I want the world to be predictable. I want to feel some sense of control. So when I am scared, those things that console me go around and around in my head. I comfort myself that way. But I also limit myself that way. I ask God, “Why can’t I feel your love?” I guess I need to let go of the surrogate love first. Let go of this pretend world.
This is a repeat of what I have said over and over again. But this is who I am. This is Suzie. My struggle may seem so simple and predictable to the people around me, but from within it feels impassable. Impenetrable. Patience, little girl. Let yourself melt into the smile.
It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I do want to check in. I guess I have been waiting for something that I could put together into some cohesive whole. Thing is, those cohesive wholes are eluding me the more I dive into life and cross check my own theories about things, my own pre-suppositions, assumptions. The more I take a chance and really start to open up to the people and places around me the more I find I really don’t know so much about anything. I thought I was getting a handle on all of this.
My friends tell me that once you begin to really be honest with yourself, (actually that part is my own words), the more you realize that you don’t really have a clue, but that’s OK. I feel like I have to know and understand. Otherwise it will all fall apart on me. But I guess the world doesn’t depend upon me for its cohesiveness. Maybe I need to let it go and learn to dance. Learn to fly. Learn to float. Something.
Thanks for reading. Hope to see you all on the physical plane.
**
Yeah, right.
I am a reflection of our collective insanity. Or maybe our collective insanity is a reflection of what is inside of me and a lot of other people. My whole life I have wanted to purify myself. Get rid of the “bad” parts. Be perfect. I have been striving for perfection. I have been rejecting myself as I am.
I have been using all of my practices to poke at myself. I have been punishing myself with “spirituality”. I have used my breath to beam into those darkened places in myself not with love, but with an intent to rid myself of that which I don’t accept. No wonder a lot of what I have been expressing in my music has been anguished. I have been doing it to myself.
OK. Again, I begin at the beginning. But maybe I can learn that that is a wonderful place to be. Maybe I can learn that that is all I will ever have. Maybe I will learn that that is actually everything.
And that is what it is all about for me. . . Hello World, but revised. . . This is how I am feeling these days. And much of this can be expressed and experienced through music. I think that a lot of people are feeling a sense of renewal these days. And I have great hope for all of us. What appears on the surface is not always to be relied upon. I think that we are emergent. The surface is sometimes just a hardened shell that will soon be cast aside. Like the shell of an egg. And what better way to bring along a birth but through the joy of music.
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