It can be really interesting how events fall into place sometimes. Here I have the opportunity to play a little gig in a big music festival and I can’t play the guitar. So I have to find people to help me. Again. You would think I would be good at accepting people’s help by now. I guess in some ways I am. But this is more complicated somehow.

I had no idea how much a part of me my practicing has been. How do I practice my musical processes without the guitar? OK. Well, I ask people to back me up. I seem to have a few people willing to help. I am really grateful for this. But people are busy in their schedules and I am still so hesitant: I ask for help tentatively. . . my voice isn’t very loud. So good people offer help, but they don’t understand my need. . . maybe I should talk louder. Maybe I am not clear. Maybe my expectations are too high.

You see, for so long I practiced for two or three hours a day. Not because I want to produce some outwardly pleasing product. Well, not mostly. Because I almost have to to remain clear. Like something has to come out. But now, I am hoping that other people can become my tools through which I can do the same thing. This is totally unrealistic.

I have to become clear in my own expectations and express myself in understandable language what I need. What a challenge for me. Life does that, doesn’t it?

I only have about six weeks left before I am supposed to perform, and I still don’t have much to show. I’ve got to get it together. I will keep trying to figure out how to communicate with those people who may be able to help me perform, but since it seems tough to touch base, I’d better learn a new way to play the guitar without using my left hand much. Like maybe slide with open chords?? I may just try that. But in the mean time, another call. . . maybe this time a practice session will work out.

Technorati Tags: guitar, Music, Spirit

Kom me naar buiten allemaal
Dan zoeken wij de wielewaal
En vinden wij die muziekant
Dan is zomer weer in’t land!

Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo klinkt zijn lied
Dudeldjo en anders neit.

Oh, it feels like Springtime inside and outside. . . the birds are singing, my heart is expanding out so far I feel like bursting!

Technorati Tags: Bursting, Emergence, fluidity, hope, love, Music, renewal, Spirit

I had to edit and update this post. Here is what I originally said: “I am so excited that Van Jones is now in a position to help to implement some of his green economic policies. He was appointed “Special Advisor for Green Jobs” by Barak Obama on March 16th. Phaedra Ellis-Lamkins is taking over Van Jones’ position leading Green For All. Here they both are talking about the direction of that organization, and now,the direction of our country.”

The video that I embedded became outdated, however. Also, as of September 5, 2009, Van Jones resigned his position in the administration after heavy attacks from the right wing. I am very disappointed. Here is a video of his at the Powershift 2009 conference in Washington DC speaking to young people about hope and change:

Technorati Tags: , answers, change, economy, hope, Spirit

So what do I do? Stay present – be present – exist. Live. Allow. Allow. Allow. It’s OK, I must reassure myself. I must be gentle and compassionate with myself. Allow myself to blossom. Allow that intellect that does exist within me if I just allow it.

I remember the flow from so long ago. The confidence. It’s funny – I feel the block as I begin to focus – it feels like a physical/energetic block that stretches between my left temple and my intestine or maybe my pancreas on my left side. Some of my intellectual recovery will involve physical recovery. I know the direction I need to go to allow more flow. . . more and more. A trickle, then a stream, then a torrent. In some areas of my being I believe I have allowed the flow. I feel healthy. In other areas I have barely begun to allow. But it is OK. It can’t be about self denigration, about blame. It must be gentleness, compassion, love. Suzie, it is OK. Be faulted. Be exactly who you are. And then feel the warmth and support around you as you are. Allow that warmth and support. Allow it. Let it cradle you. Let yourself melt into your own tears. Release. Let it go. Let it go. Grieve. Grieve. You know it is OK. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to explain. Let the world hold you now. Take the time you need. Have faith in Life. Allow. Allow. Allow.

You see how it is coming. You see it. You are allowing it. It is not perfect. You are not perfect – yet maybe it and you are perfect because it is. Is. Allow. Allow. Allow. Help me to let go. Let go . Let go. Let go. Let go. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow. Allow – my thoughts quiet a little. Allow – calmer and calmer. Allow – I can hear the fan of the pellet stove and the sound pattern of the flame. Allow – I hear my own breath. Allow – I see the light outside – a morning light muted by the clouds and the snow coming down. It’s coming down. It is morning. It is snowing. I am inside writing and listening to the pellet stove which is trying to warm the room. I look up and see the pictures of my kids and my friends on the wall. I am so lucky. So blessed. It is almost Christmas. I am late in my preparations, as usual. But it is OK. It is good. It is not about lots of presents anyway.

Today is my day to write – to begin to unwind that which needs to come out – is it me – is it a blockage – is it something more? What does that mean, anyway? Let it go. Don’t delineate. Don’t define. Allow. Allow. Allow. Organize it later. Let it tumble. Let it emerge how it will. You don’t have to control it.

Love. I am so very blessed. I am afraid of it. I don’t know what I mean by it. Surrender. Complete surrender. It brings out my fear of hierarchy and abuse – resentment – fear of being hurt and hurting. Fear. Fear. But this is anything but fear. It is a giving. A giving of self. Surrender that does not diminish, but magnifies and multiplies. The energy is more, not less. We become one and yet we are each ourselves even more deeply than before. Reaching down down down to our roots until we find our common ground. Reaching up up up and opening our senses – all of our openings, physical and non physical – opening all orifices, all pores, all abilities, all senses. Opening to allow it all to enter and then, twirl us around into the next swirl – the next pattern, the next commutation, the next structure, and we cannot control and yet we are it. How is it that we are available for the new pattern that the river requires? Yet be in contact with the earth. . . are we connected to the Earth? Are we connected to each other? What does “each other” mean? How is this vision connected to me sitting here in front of the pellet stove watching the snow outside? Can I do both? Can I open open open open open open until I no longer exist? I am the movement. . . I am the river . . . and I continue my day as I sprinkle salt on the sidewalk in front of my house and wonder about all of the yard work that has yet to be done around the house. What is the relevance of this bill I have in front of me? If I don’t write that check for the electric company, maybe eventually they still will turn off my electricity even though the flow – the flow – allowing – allowing – the silence – the silence – the incredible lightness – it is all perfect. Even my electric bill is perfect. It seems that there is a connection between not paying my bill and the electricity being turned off. That is what I have learned. You hit a billiard ball with your stick and that ball causes another to move. Cause and effect. It sure seems to work. Causal mechanisms sure seem to exist. You do this, and that happens. You step out over the side of the cliff and you fall. I would like to fly. But maybe I am not ready to fly yet. My intellect tells me that I will fall. But what about Faith? If you have Faith you will Fly.

This seems like the material of delusion. But when you have a new experience, beyond the usual, how do you bring it into your old way of thinking? How do you integrate it into your world view? It comes to a point where you just can’t anymore. It is no longer a case of integrating new information into what you think of as reality. Your ideas about reality have to change. But during that period when your world view is changing there is a sense of the world falling apart. The world is falling apart. There is nothing to hold onto. Nothing is solid anymore. Then you begin to reconstruct. But it has to begin with silence. Silence. Silence. Then the world starts to come in again. The fire is still flickering/roaring. The snow is still falling. Dakota stands up and shakes, hoping that I may finish with what I am doing so we can go outside and walk together in the falling snow. The world still exists even though my standpoint has fallen apart on some levels.

It sounds like illness – this falling apart. But it is actually a supremely healthy response to a necessity for a change of direction. I hope that this same thing is happening to all of us on some level. The beginnings of a necessary shift that will save us if we let it. Allow. Allow. Allow.

Technorati Tags: abuse, compassion, Emergence, fluidity, giving, hope, renewal, Spirit, Vision

Here is an interview with Michael Franti. What an inspiring human being he is!

Technorati Tags: art, hope, Michael Franti, Music, Spirit

Sometimes the world seems like it has gone crazy. And it is reflected in my own life directly around me and within me. I reached a point a couple of years ago where I felt like I was being sucked down into a well and I didn’t know how to pull myself up to see my own horizon any more.

But then someone gave me a sense of hope which I followed. And gradually I began to remember that I exist. You see, at that point I couldn’t even feel my own existence any more. I was awake and I had a body and I had thoughts, but somehow I was gone. It took someone looking into my eyes and seeing my despair for me to realize some time later my own despair.

Life can be really tough. And I guess it is particularly tough right now. It is scary to watch the world as we know it fall apart. Outside and inside. But since I grabbed the thread of light from my friend, I have been climbing out of my well and I have remembered that I am really still here and now I even have a sense that the world around me exists. Hey people! Hello! How are you!

I began a yoga class a couple of years ago. It taught a very relaxed deep form of yoga called Svaroopa. It allowed me to ease into parts of my body that were holding tension and not allowing energy in. I began a process of release. Thank you, my wonderful teacher and friend Midi.

I have been exploring the disallowed parts of my own inner space through yoga and qigong since then, and have found that breath and energy work can be blended with singing. I have found that singing can in itself be energy work. After all, certain notes are associated with certain chakras. And I do find that if I draw attention to different parts of my body as I sing and allow the singing to flow through those parts of my body, the quality of the singing changes, a feeling emerges and blockages can be cleared.

I am finding through my qigong that energy work can heal others as well as the self. I am hoping that I can use my singing in the same way. And my talking and communicating generally, although I am reluctant often to commit myself to strict rules of thought which sometimes makes understanding me difficult. I think I still have a bit of anger to work though. I will gradually come back down to earth through my healing process though. I really want to get to know you all! And I want to begin to learn from you too!

Technorati Tags: , chakras, energy work, qigong, Spirit, Svaroopa, Yoga

So much of my life in the past couple of years has been in change. The process of change has made it necessary for things to be fluid. My music has been no exception. It has only been in the past couple of years that I have been playing the guitar and singing again. There was a twenty year gap when I did not create. I think the music I created a long time ago would be called folk music. Please forgive me, folks as I go along. I am an expert at nothing but my own present experience. I don’t know much about genres, I just have a general impression about things. In any case, my music has always been folky and acoustic. And I have pretty much stuck only to my own music and to my brother Billy’s music.

I self-pollinated for a long time. Actually in every sense. Not just music. But now I am reaching out. I want to learn about myself and the world. I’m done with being scared and not taking chances. So my music is following suit. It is changing. Much of it has been very fluid for a while. I am sort of afraid of committing to much structure. I feel that way generally about my life. I have been cast into a heavy mold for so long, I am afraid of being pinned down again. But my fear is lessening and form is surrounding the creative core. Yet in the process of traveling through parts of myself that I hadn’t allowed myself before, I am letting new kinds of expression out: still very fluid: grunts, shrieks, a language that seems to have a life of its own. But it is forming itself into something very new to me. And I am finding beauty in this new form.

I have found a wonderful place to perform my music, no matter how weird my music gets. The Wildflower Cafe in Bethlehem Pennsylvania is owned by a wonderful lady who has created this space where people can feel free to be themselves. It has attracted some amazing talents, and a lot of wonderful accepting people, where respect for each other is central. Come out on a Monday or Tuesday night to join in with the open mike. Sign up starts at 7:00 PM.

Technorati Tags: fluidity, folk music, Music, Spirit, the Wildflower Cafe

And that is what it is all about for me. . . Hello World, but revised. . . This is how I am feeling these days. And much of this can be expressed and experienced through music. I think that a lot of people are feeling a sense of renewal these days. And I have great hope for all of us. What appears on the surface is not always to be relied upon. I think that we are emergent. The surface is sometimes just a hardened shell that will soon be cast aside. Like the shell of an egg. And what better way to bring along a birth but through the joy of music.

Technorati Tags: birth, Emergence, joy of music, Music, renewal, Spirit