I don’t know about all of you, but I have a really hard time being compassionate with myself. Somehow that stands in the way of me putting myself full force into the work that I need to do.

And I do think that that is key. What good is any work that any of us do that comes from a place of fear or lack?

I have a bunch of projects on my plate that are just wonderful. And I am working with each incrementally. But developing confidence is difficult for me. I hold myself back.

I have said before that connections with people are important to me. I am working on the assumption that it may be important to others also. I hope to find other people who will come out and work on community projects. With the changes coming on, I believe that it will become very clear how much we need each other. Two things that I am just beginning to work on are

1. A community center of some sort to fill whatever needs seem apparent, maybe a community garden, a simple gathering place where people can come together in my community and just talk. A place for the kids to hang out, who knows? I hope to get some folks together to talk about what is needed.

2. A community dialogue approaching the problem of local economy and how to shore up the ground up economy instead of it being so very dependent on top-down structures.

Am I getting myself in over my head? Maybe. But I guess I don’t have to do anything perfectly. Just trying and then continuing to try is key. These ideas were easy to come up with. Contacting a few people and getting a couple of wheels turning was easy. But how about the slogging work? This is where I will need to have courage and find compassion for myself. But I’ve got to try and then I’ve got to continue to try.

I have been in a dream for months now. I have been allowing myself to believe that if I dream hard enough I will create a vision so strong that I will be able to will it into being. But you can’t use a dream to cover up reality.

I have used so much of my energy trying to escape this messed up reality that I have in front of me that I could have used approaching it. OK. But here I am. I am now basically a single Mom. I need to find a means of support for myself and my two kids in what feels to me now like an unforgiving world. There are all kinds of things about my present reality that I don’t want to look at. I have some growing up to do. I guess that’s what the world does. It offers you opportunities to grow.

The longer I let this go, the more opportunities I may lose. It is time to put my feet on the ground and my nose to the grindstone. But it really ain’t so bad. As I have mentioned before, I am warm, I have enough to eat, I have friends, and I do have a few ways of making a living, even though I am not going to get rich doing them.

And in the mean time, I won’t give up on my dreams. I’ll just use them to help me create a plan for where I want to go.

Now let’s see how I feel as I let the blood actually flow through my veins in the pursuit of hard work!